There are days when it is better to laugh than to cry! And when that kind of day comes,
short, funny jokes are the best medicine.
Une voiture c'est comme une femme, il faut l'entretenir sinon elle se casse.
C.MAUZON
C’est un gars qui voulait se trouver une blonde pour la soirée. Alors il rentre dans un bar et aussitôt arrivé,
il va voir une belle blonde assise dans un coin.. Alors ils se parlent pendant quelques instants et décident d’aller dans l’auto du gars.
Dans la voiture, ils commencent à s’embrasser et à se caresser sans relâche… Puis le gars veut aller plus loin, alors il demande à la belle :
– Ça te dirait d’aller faire un petit tour sur la banquette arrière ?
La blonde lui répond :
– Non… Pas vraiment !
Le gars est déçu, mais il redouble d’ardeur et continue à embrasser la fille. Trente minutes plus tard, il repose sa question :
– Dis, tu ne veux pas aller sur le siège arrière ?
Elle répond :
– Ben……….. non !
Alors le gars ne comprend pas et il lui demande :
– Mais, dis-moi donc pourquoi tu refuses d’aller derrière. A l’avant ce n’est pas pratique tu sais ?
Et elle lui répond :
– Ben c’est parce que je veux rester avec toi !
Aujourd'hui mon patron est arrivé au volant d'une nouvelle voiture...
Je lui ai dit: Whaouh c'est vraiment une très jolie voiture Boss...
Il m'a répondu: tu sais, si tu travailles dur, que tu es hyper motivé
et que tu atteints tes objectif, j'en aurai une encore plus belle l'année prochaine...
pee break
I was on the highway when I decided to stop at a rest stop to go to the bathroom.
The first toilet was taken, so I enter the second. Hardly have I sat down when I hear a voice coming from the other toilet:
- Hi how are you ?
I'm not the type to fraternize in restroom restrooms. I don't really know what came over me, but finally, I answer, a little embarrassed:
- Uh... it's ok...
And the other which continues:
- And what are you doing nicely?
Talk about a question! I was starting to find it a little weird,
But I tell him:
- Well, I'm like you... I poop...
And there, I hear the guy say, all annoyed:
- Listen, I'll call you back later, there's a jerk nearby who answers all my questions!!!
Ex-PDG de Renault . Carlos Ghosn était arrêté à Tokyo, au Japon.
After Renault Trafic,
we have Renault Capture
– Daddy's Girl
A girl goes to see her father and asks him:
-Dad, I didn't understand, my boyfriend told me that I had chassis, two beautiful shock absorbers and a magnificent bumper. What does it mean ?
His father replies:
- It's nothing, my daughter. these are mechanical terms often used by men… And on the other hand, you will say on my behalf, to your friend when you see him again,
that if he opens the hood to put oil in the engine, I tear off the gear lever...
At the mall, a blonde notices a big bump on her car door.
Discouraged, she is wondering what she should do. It was then that a young man, who was passing near her, jokingly advised her to blow into the exhaust pipe in order to push
of air and push the bump out! However, the blonde does not understand that it is a joke and begins to blow into the exhaust pipe...
As she blows into the pipe, another blonde comes up and says:
- What are you doing ?
- I'm trying to dent the car door!
Then the other blonde starts to laugh and say:
- You're stupid ! it will never work!
- Oh no? What do you mean?
- Because your windows are open!
A motorcyclist drives at full speed to find his girlfriend.
He gets caught by radar and is arrested by a police officer:
- Hello Sir, National Police, you have checked for speeding.
125 for 90! Aren't you a little sick of driving at this speed?
- I'm sorry, I didn't pay attention, I have to join my girlfriend to propose to her and I was somewhere else!
The policeman is taken a little pity. He tells him:
- Well, I'm going to be cool, I'm going to ask you a question, if you answer this riddle correctly, you leave free of charge!
The biker agrees.
- Which road vehicle has 4 wheels and a steering wheel?
- Easy ! A car ! Now can I leave?
- Nope ! Not so easy ! You should have specified: BMW, Renault, etc...
- Be nice! Rest me in another!!
- OK. Which vehicle has 2 wheels and handlebars?
- Easy ! A motorcycle !
- Nope ! Sorry, you should have specified again: Kawasaki etc…
The very annoyed biker said to him:
- It's up to me to give you a little riddle: What is a vulgar woman, in a mini skirt, hustling on the sidewalk of a seedy town?
The policeman :
- Easy ! A whore!
- Nope ! Sorry ! Not so easy ! You should have specified: Your mother, your daughter, your sister, your wife….
– Hello Mr. Officer, is there a problem?
- Yes Madam. You were driving above the legal speed limit.
- Are you sure ?
- Yes ma'am, can I see your license?
– The problem is that I don't have one.
- What do you mean ?
– It was taken from me 4 years ago for drunk driving.
– Well... can I see your gray card in this case?
– I would like to but I don't have one either because it's not my car.
- What do you mean ?
- I stole it, that's why.
- You stole it?
– Yes yes, and then I killed the owner.
- What ??
– If you don't believe me open the suitcase in the trunk, it contains plastic bags with parts of his body. Want to see them?
The policeman backs up very very slowly in his car without taking his eyes off the old woman, and calls for reinforcements.
10 minutes later 6 police cars surround the old woman, and several police officers hold her at gunpoint.
One of them slowly approaches the old woman and says to her:
– Madame, please get out of your vehicle very slowly, hands in the air and without making any sudden movements.
The old lady obeys and answers the policeman:
– What is the problem, officer?
“My colleague told me that you were driving without a licence, that you stole this car and murdered its owner.
"Murdered the owner?" You are serious ?
– Open the suitcase that is in the trunk of the car please
The lady approaches the trunk, opens it.
She takes the suitcase and opens it in front of the policeman: it only contains old clothes.
The policeman continues:
"Is this your car, ma'am?"
– Of course, here is my gray card
The officer who arrested her no longer understands anything.
The officer looks annoyed at him, then turns to the old lady again:
– My colleague also told me that you didn't have a driver's license.
The old lady opens her bag and hands her license to the policeman.
He then replies:
- Thank you Madam. I'm really confused. My colleague told me that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car and that you murdered the owner!
- Really ? Let me guess, I bet that liar also told you I was going too fast?
At the gate of Heaven, a furious guy shows up in front of St Pierre.
"What the hell am I doing here?" he yells.
Look at me: I'm 35, I'm in great shape, I don't drink, I don't smoke, last night I lay down very quietly in my bed and now I find myself in heaven!
This is definitely a mistake!
- Well ! it never happened, but anyway I'm going to check, replies St Pierre, troubled.
What is your name ?
– Duval. Christian Duval.
– Yes… And what is your job?
– Mechanic.
– Yes… Ah, there you go, I have your file. Duval Christian, mechanic… Well, Monsieur Duval, you died of old age, that's all..
"Old age?" But finally it is not possible, I am only 35 years old…..
“Ah, I don't know, Monsieur Duval. But we tallied up all the hours of labor you billed, and that's 123 years.
A truck driver goes quietly on the road in his truck and suddenly he distinguishes in the distance a man dressed in red from head to toe.
The trucker approaches quickly and the guy doesn't move away. He flashes his headlights but nothing, the guy does not move.
So the trucker slams on the brakes hard and manages to stop just a meter away of the guy.
He gets out of the truck and the man in red says to him:
- I'm the red homosexual, do you have something to eat?
The astonished trucker looks at him and says:
- May!? Are you sick or what?
Can't you see that I almost ran over you?
The trucker gets back on his truck and continues on his way. Suddenly, he distinguishes again in the distance a guy completely dressed in white and also standing in the middle of the road.
He flashes his headlights again and the guy still doesn't move. The trucker brakes again suddenly gets out of the truck and a man in white says to him:
- I'm the gay in white, would you like something to drink?
The truck driver says to him:
- But ! Damn PD!
Didn't you see that I almost ran over you? Are you really sick or what? Get out of there!
The trucker once again climbs back into his truck and continues on his way, when in the distance he distinguishes another man, this time in blue. He flashes the headlights again but nothing, he does not move away, he brakes again like crazy, stops half a meter from the guy gets off the truck very upset and says to him:
- So fucking blue shitty PD! What do you want asshole?
And the guy replies:
- To start, the driver's license and the vehicle papers...
I picked up a hitchhiker yesterday.
After he settled down, he thanked me and asked me how I was sure he wasn't a serial killer.
I replied that the risk of him having two serial killers in the same car was infinitesimally low.
Deux copines discutent :
– Un mec m’est rentré dedans, j’ai eu l’arrière tout défoncé !
– T’as mis la voiture au garage ?
– Quelle voiture ?
Histoire vraie
I quietly look for the number of the police station in Roubaix then I come across this...
Well received during my police custody, the handcuffs not too tight are a pleasure, then you see there's food, it was pretty good.
Honestly I recommend!!
Un vrai passionné de l'auto: il fait l'amour aux voitures.
Les hommes ont des rapports émotifs avec les voitures, mais voici un homme qui repousse les limites :
Edward Smith affirme avoir fait l'amour à plus de 1000 véhicules automobiles durant sa vie.
Ma voiture est ma maîtresse où M. Smith et d'autres hommes comme lui défendent leurs sentiments «romantiques»
et leur passion métallico-charnelle pour les véhicules.
La «mécaphillie», le néologisme utilisé pour décrire l'attraction sexuelle pour des machines.
Depuis 1974, M. Smith vit accoté avec sa «blonde» actuelle, une Volkswagen Coccinelle blanche nommée «Vanille».
Il affirme qu'il n'est pas «malade» et qu'il n'a aucune envie de changer.
«J'apprécie la beauté et mon appréciation de la beauté d'une voiture s'élève à un niveau tel que ce sentiment,
d'après moi, ne peut être décrit que comme une expression d'amour, c'est simplement merveilleux.»
«Je suis un romantique. J'écris de la poésie au sujet des autos, je leur parle et je leur chante des chansons, comme à une amoureuse.
Je connais mon coeur et je ne veux pas changer.»
«Je ne suis pas malade et je ne fais mal à personne, je préfère les autos, voilà tout.»
L'homme de 57 ans en avait 15 lors de sa première relation sexuelle avec une auto, dit-il, ajoutant que les hommes et les femmes ne l'ont jamais attiré.
Il a trompé Vanille avec un hélicoptère!
Mais il a eu d'autres expériences sexuelles, avec quelques hélicoptères.
La monogamie n'est pas son fort : outre sa relation avec Vanille, il fréquente une Opel GT 1973 nommée «Canelle» et une Ford Ranger Splash 1993 qui répond au nom de «Ginger».
Mais il a fait de nombreux cocus automobiles : il avoue que bien des voitures avec lesquelles il a eu des relations sexuelles appartenaient à des étrangers,
ou étaient en démonstration dans des concessions automobiles.
Son premier amour : une Corvette Stingray
Il a pris conscience de ses penchants inusités dès son jeune âge : «C'est quelque chose qui a grandi en moi, quand j'étais petit, et je n'ai pas pu m'en détourner.
J'ai aimé les voitures dès le début, mais ça s'est accentué avec l'adolescence et c'est elles qui ont déclenché mes premières pulsions sexuelles.»
«J'avais 13 ans quand la célèbre Corvette Stingray a été lancée : cette voiture est du sexe pur doublée d'une machine incroyable. Il me la fallait.»
«Il y a des moments, au milieu de nulle part, où je vois une petite voiture stationnée et je sais qu'elle a besoin d'être aimée.
Certaines voitures m'ont attiré tant que j'attendais la nuit pour m'approcher d'elles, les étreindre et les embrasser.»
«Pour ce qui est des femmes, elles ne m'ont jamais vraiment intéressé. Et je ne suis pas gai.»
M. Smith fait partie d'une communauté mondiale de 500 «amants d'autos», qui sont en contact grâce à des forums sur internet.